The British Club Worldwide
Brits & Pieces Newsletter
Issued Twice Weekly
(Samples only)
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We issue our Brits & Pieces newsletter twice a week or so. Members love it! We started it at around 10am, September 11th 2001 - and beat most other media reporting the events of that terrible day in New York City. Since then - thanks to our worldwide members - we often learn the news before you see it on your television....... We try hard to cover current events - often a truer version than might appear in your local newspaper. We also include comments from club members all over the world - gossip, jokes, items of interest and opinions. Our aim is to inform, to entertain, to amuse and occasionally perhaps even to infuriate. But above all - to make us think. We believe debate is healthy - blind obedience to a party line rather less so. Brits & Pieces is generally text only - our twice monthly magazine, Brits & Marmalade, contains more in the way of cartoons, photos and stuff to make us laugh - since laughter, we believe, solves most anything. Our total files of Brits & Pieces now total well over 1500 pages - and steadily counting! It is a very popular feature with all our Club Members all over the world. |
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Brits & Pieces Who's That Knocking At Your Door? People ask me, knowing that I have been married twice -------------------------------------------------------------- Brits & Pieces - Floods In Scunthorpe August 1st, 2005
And now over to our correspondent
Colin Jenkinson
in Scunthorpe with Breaking News. Come in Colin.... Yes John - you can see I'm wobbling. Oh my gosh - the wind is really picking up now - that gust was certainly stronger than the last one! And look at the rain John - it's pouring down! Concerned city officials must be worried about flash flooding. Look at the puddles on the road behind me. Ooops - did you see that John?! That piece of cardboard hurtling through the air! We may soon have to move the crew to a safer place, the pub across the way is possibly disintegrating. I can't see it in the dark. Whooff - that gust nearly blew my hat off - and look at this John! Water trickling down the brick facade of that historic building - the one which has survived all previous storms in this storm prone city. It may not survive the night by the look of things. We hope there are no old people or pregnant women in there without food and water but it is impossible to tell given the danger all around us - it's overwhelming. Flying beer mats, wind, rain - Phisssh - Wow! - that gust was certainly strong John - look at the tree leaves dropping! This will be a tremendous problem for clean up crews! There appears to be no relief in sight. The City Council can't be contacted - this telephone box won't work - there's a coin jammed in the slot. People are helpless without communications and government inaction will certainly be on the agenda tomorrow. Grimsby has simply dissapeared - can't see more than a half mile in this heavy downpour. Whoosh - oh my gosh.....lots more wind. I think we'll retreat with the crew to the pub for safety's sake. From the center of the storm on the north east coast suffering perhaps intense beach erosion and thunder and lightning and too late for Emergency Evacuation - this is Colin Jenkinson trapped in gale lashed Scunthorpe. Back to you in the studio John...... Thank you Colin. And now for Sports News. Sussex batters consolidated their lead in clear blue sky sunshine with a solid 114 runs for one at the end of the third day's play against Kent. Tony Blair and wife Cherie were there as usual to applaud the players. -------------------------------------
Want to welcome another British Supplier
to our club.
Adam Norton
of Gizmo and Widget in London offers
all those gifts you wish you'd got. Like
a Giant Inflateable
Globe you can blow up, or Gangster Playing
Cards.
You can contact him at the address
below and - Pssst -
tell him Arnold sent you......
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Roy Dowty in Tennessee sends us to this great British Comedy site showing the latest
programs.
Click on the address below>>>>>> http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/ ----------------------------------- Jim Thompson in Vancouver, BC, asks the big question Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade? A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans. -------------------------------------------------- Brits & Pieces MORE BREAKING NEWS PRESIDENT HU OF CHINA HAS CONSOLIDATED HIS POWER OVER RIVAL ZENG QINGHONG. New York Times 9/25/05 Brrrng Brnnng Brrrng Brrng 'Ello? Rice: Mr President? Sorry to wake you up sir. Hu in China has consolidated his power. I thought you should know immediately. President: Argggh..... Errrr...... Argggh What time is it? Rice: It's 3 am Mr President President: You call me at 3am in the morning to ask me a question - who in China has consolidated his power? Rice: Yes Mr President that's what I said. It's a surprise. President: Well how in the hell should I know who has consolidated his power in China. Who has? Rice: Yes sir - that's what I said. Hu has. President: Something wrong with this damm phone. Who has what? Rice: Consolidated his power. Over Zeng Qinghong! President: Send King Kong........ What the hell....... Is this some trick question to get me to come over to your place tonight? Rice: No Mr President. I just thought you should know - since you will be meeting Hu later today in the Oval Office? President: No I don't know who I will be meeting today in the Oval Office. Who? Rice: That's what I said - Hu! President: Look Condi. It's four o clock in the morning. I had a hard day yesterday saving the people of Houston from the hurricane - and today I think I have an important meeting with that guy from China whatever his name is.... Rice: Hu. President: Who what? Rice: Who has consolidated his power in China. President: I told you already - I don't know who has consolidated his power in China. Who? Rice: Hu. President: Condi - enough of this. I'm going back to bed. Talk to Rumsfeld.... Click First Lady: Who was calling you at this hour of the morning? President: Don't you start. ----------------------------------------------------- California residents are somewhat miffed that nobody seems to be taking any notice of our recent disaster, says our Peter Schofield on location there..... Hollywood Power Outage Sends City Into Chaos No electricity for 26 minutes. "This is our Tsunami." Horror and disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone and local residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath. The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes and many businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its blistering 78 degree heat. "It was horrible," said out of work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it hit and the blenders simply shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty ugly." In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted onflicting reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee and a totally meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83 years old and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani, I don't know what's going to happen to her, I really don't." said Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site. "Sugar in the Raw? Are you frigging kidding me?," sobbed avid salsa dancer, Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South Beach Diet and my insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this. Why isn't the rest of the country doing something to help us?" Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters and upscale shopping centers, including the Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern that the situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby Gap and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon. At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel in a bus convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelets with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard. Honorary Mayor of Hollywood Johnny Grant told a group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that, "The scope and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local carwashes are at a stand-still, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an hour now and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of green beans for upwards of 15 minutes." "We want to accommodate those people suffering in the Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple reason they have been through a horrible ordeal," Grant said. "We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread," said Martha Owens, 49 who was one of the thousands trapped in the Beverly Center when the escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending somebody through here." Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing Direct TV service to work only intermittently and forcing local residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the Pacific from their ocean view decks. "I can hardly begin to put this experience into words," said longtime Two and a Half Men writer John Edlestein. "I was just getting into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball players when my Power Book crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing." Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House, President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised relief workers. "But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said. "The result is that many of our citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable." ------------------------------------------------------- Stella Goldsmith in Australia tells me that Prime Minister John Howard's closest cabinet colleagues are Abbott and Costello. This explains everything, she suggests. Check it out - it's true! :-) ---------------------------------------------------- LONDON - Trust in politicians is abysmally low around the world and most citizens say their governments do not reflect the will of the people, according to an intriguing global survey of what influences our lives. (They must have been reading Brits & Pieces! :-) "Who Runs Your World?" was the question put by Gallup International and the BBC World Service to more than 50,000 people in 68 countries in what was billed as one of the biggest surveys of public opinion ever conducted. Religion is crucial in Nigeria, family is vital in Latin America and the Japanese thoroughly distrust authority figures. One of the most striking findings was international disillusionment with politicians. They achieved extremely low confidence ratings, with only 13 percent trusting them. Two out of three people polled around the globe felt unrepresented by their governments. The exceptions were South Africans, Israelis and Scandinavians. Most of these believed their governments were in tune with the people. There was a global desire to put more power in the hands of intellectuals such as writers and academics, the survey showed. As technology shrinks the world to a global village, patriotism is still a strong force, with feelings of national identity strongest in Latin America, Southeast Asia and East Africa. Muslims and Protestants were the most likely to trust religious leaders and give them more power. Jews appeared to be the most positive about being able to change their own lives. Throughout Africa, religion plays an extremely important role, particularly in Nigeria where an overwhelming 85 percent backed their church leaders. Religion also achieved high ratings in the lives of Americans and Canadians. In Europe there is a low level of trust in all types of leaders -- military, political, religious, business and media. In India, Pakistan and Vietnam, the majority believe there is little they can do to change their lives. Family is highly important in Latin America where more than 80 percent singled out their nearest and dearest as the ones most likely to influence their decisions.
---------------------------------------------------- Sue Sanders in Durban, South Africa tells us...... Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher." The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth." ---------------------------------------------------- An alert Bill Jenkins in Mumbai sends us this info....
Political candidates should be allowed to stand for
election only if they have a toilet at home, the Minister for Rural Development in India says. In a letter to all chief ministers, Raghuvansh Prasad Singh said the toilet rule should be set out in law. He said too many elected members "do not have toilet facilities in their own houses and defecate in the open". Mr Singh said this activity was the main cause of the high incidence of diarrhoea in rural areas. Editors Note: I cannot agree more. Yet another example of flagrant disregard for the rules by the Bush administration. It is quite obvious that there are no toilets in the White House - or on the presidential ranch. At least if there is, I have seen no photographic evidence of same. Or any item in the federal budget for sanitary cleaning services, distasteful plumbing repair, toilet supplies or annual subscriptions to Playboy. It is the gossip in London that when someone asked Mrs Bush if she'd like to go to the loo, she thought it was a museum. Mr Bush of course is still challenging aides to see who can pee highest up the wall which is why Colin Powell was forced to resign. Dick Cheney has a bidet in his limousine next to the encrypted telephone and shower. And you might ask yourself - as indeed I do daily - how come there has never been an incident of tee-peeing a tree in the White House gardens - a perfectly normal joke played by many a teenager in between lessons and binge drinking? I can understand why one might not want toilet paper with the presidents photo on it but really - no wonder there are so many signs saying Keep Off The Grass. W. C. Crapper, British inventor of the water closet, must be turning in his grave. Or cess pit, as the case may be. -------------------------------------------------- From Sandra Watson in South Africa comes this useful list of tools and their usage. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating the metric sockets you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your iced tea across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch".. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, thus trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought. PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. RING SPANNER SET: A complete selection of ring spanners, the first one of which you select is NEVER the one you need. MAGNETIC SCREWDRIVER: A device designed to drop the screw at the precisely right moment to ensure that it dissapears into the engine. ---------------------------------------------------------
Keep on truckin' everybody. Keep those
cards and
letters coming in.....
Arnold Parkinson
Brits & Pieces
The British Club Worldwide
www.britishclubworldwide.com
-------------------------------------------------------------- OUR FIRST EVER BRITS & PIECES To Brits Everywhere – September 11th 2001, 10.17 am
STOP PRESS - Terrible
events in NY and DC
Arnold Parkinson The British Club Worldwide ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brits & Pieces - June 4th, 2002 Land Of Hope And Glory Incredible scenes in London pulling at the heart
strings of every Brit I moved from
Manchester to London - and worked for Hawker Siddeley on St. Is having a stable
monarchy a key to success? Hard to say. But 50 years is a long
time to be head of state - longer than any other current world leader I
think. The Queen has done much to keep the Commonwealth together with The British Club Worldwide ------------------------------------------------------------- How many members of the "GWB" Administration are Keep on truckin' ahp007@comcast.net |